Freako-Name-ics

The Editors of Vote! Magazine are often asked from where our name comes. We typically compliment their shoes, punch them in the stomach and run away, to maintain our confidentiality.

This common question does raise a great point, and makes a lovely second posting on what will become the greatest blog ever to exist. Or, dare I say, The Greatest Story Ever Told (itself an example of the importance of a great name!). I've often looked at the naming process (of children, not earth-shattering blogs) as the most important decision parents can make. And yet, so many fail. Here's why:

Gus / Reverse-Gus: These represent the two groups names fall into. "Gus" names, obviously, are those which you never find attached to anyone under the age of 70. The female counterpart to this name would be Gertrude. Not only have I never met a young Gertrude, I have never actually met a living Gertrude. If it weren't for the unfortunate amount of time I spend reading tombstones in small, Midwestern towns... I would have no idea this name even existed.

The Reverse-Gus is tricky. This is the name that you never encounter on anyone over the age of 20, and further, leads to general distrust. Example: "Jason" Great if he's your high school boyfriend, terrifying if he is your surgeon. Oh, I know, how is that possible? Don't they eventually grow up? Answer: No. Typically, these names are so inane (Travis and Taylor being on the tip of my mind), the subject is either murdered by a charging boar, or somehow killed using a can-opener.

Freakonomics, also worthy of the title "The Greatest Story Ever Told," addresses the importance of namery point blank. Allow me to paraphrase: A lot of smart people got together and realized that -- in California -- certain names coincidentally corresponded to the education of the birth mother. The lists are as follows:

"Smartest" Names (Girls/Boys)*:
1. Luciene / Dov
2. Maire-Claire /Akiva
3. Glynnis / Sander
4. Adair / Yannick
5. Meira / Sacha

While I'm happy to report that this list continues further to include many traditional Irish names, I am saddened by the realization that this list could be easily mistaken for "Most Likely to Receive Frequent Ass-kicking, and/or Die a Virgin."

Now, on to the retards:

"Dumberest" Names (Same order)
1. Angel / Cody
2. Heaven / Travis (See! I told you! Cursed!)
3. Misty / Brandon
4. Destiny / Justin
5. Brenda / Tyler

I'm happy to report the pervasive Christianity in this crowd. Now you're probably asking yourself: "Where's Jerome? Where's Chan? Gomez?" Well, they only really interviewed White people for this exercise. Black people got their own list somewhere else in the book.


After reading all of this, I'm forced to make some lists of my own:


NAMES WHICH DETERMINE YOUR CHILD'S OCCUPATION:
Boys:
1. Jeeves (Butler)
2. Miles (Accountant)
3. Hansel (Fashion Designer)
4. Captain (Admiral)
5. Jesus (Messiah/Gardener/Major League Baseball Player)

Girls:
1. Amber (Porn Star)
2. Tammi (Porn Star)
3. Brandi (Porn Star)
4. Tiffani (Porn Star)
5. Condoleezza (Porn Star... Eventually)

NAMES WHICH WILL ENSURE YOUR SON WILL BE GAY:
1. Bruce
2. Randy
3. Terry
4. SweetBoi4U
5. Liza


You're now asking "What about Vote!? What that's all about?" I couldn't say. Vote's mother is from Massachusetts.

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*Footnote: None of the "smart" names appear in my spell check.